kate5kiwis: mirror image

kate5kiwis

“If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony. We must discover the joy of each other, the joy of challenge, the joy of growth.” — Mitsugi Saotome

Monday, May 19, 2008

mirror image

it's just like Bono said:

that if we weren’t so alike

you’d like me a whole lot more.

i open the window of my world,

i wave my hands in the air:

look at me, i say.

i show you my rainbow painting,

the sunshine and the showers.

you raise your eyebrow

at my heart on my sleeve.

i am wasting time, you say.

i am a historian, i say,

and each of us in our stubbornness

holds our ground.



i try to meet your expectations

and mine

i know i disappointed you

but my heart wouldn’t let me

choose otherwise,

and just look at us now, thank God.

still, i’m driven by my imperfect choices

reflecting in your brow.



but see?

i show you my happy ending:

i explain, i take photos,

i reveal my innermosts,

i rejoice in my life.

i marvel at the engineering

of a plastic lego tower,

i make a garden,

i scrub the shower,

i read mysterious stories

with budding novelists.

i clean out the pantry,

i make tummies happy,

i delight in a dandelion,

i find sunshine,

i unpack teenage days,

i calm souls at bedtime.

i am good at what i do,

i am making the grade, i say.



i grow my hair, i tweak my waistline,

i become a gym bunny.

i drop four sizes, i seek your approval.

i do more sit ups,

i fritter away my days,

i love the beach too much,

i don’t teach.



i contain my tears,

i think about how much power

that letter

written nearly twenty years ago

still has over me.

i see my pretty headings and bewilderment

reflecting in your brow.



cos it’s you when i look in the mirror,

this is my black book, i say.

it’s my heart, here.

and i need you to hear me,

to see the world through my glasses,

to share my happiness-making,

to affirm my imperfectly beautiful journey.

but you’re not reading me, you say.

12 Comments:

Anonymous sarah bean said...

wow, that there's pretty darn touching miss katie.

8:22 PM  
Blogger Ginaagain said...

Katie, this is devastatingly beautiful.

3:20 AM  
Blogger Carnies said...

ditto what ginaagain said.

Big Mwah

xx Nik

9:04 AM  
Blogger The Gorgeous Debbie said...

Baby, I've read this three times now and I am still getting goosebumps and crying. That is an incredibly powerful piece of your soul, knowing you as I do (irl even, lol! - private joke, sorry other comment readers).

Look at the endless fields of daisies you have left behind so far on that road you have chosen to meander with your family - you have impacted the world in your own unique sparkly way, and the world is grateful for your being.

Lament in the secret that most times for a few powerful people in our lives, whatever you do will never be enough (usually those you love, respect, admire and crave approval from the most).

You are doing the most amazing job ever, the problem is with the reviewer

xoxoxo

10:14 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

That's powerful, Katie-girl. :)

I had to disconnect, distance myself and my family from those who taught me that approval is love. If they don't want to know me,to hear me, to see me, how can they say they love me? I don't want that kind of conditional love anymore. It turned me inside-out as a kid, trying to be "good", worthy of love.

What's that Alanis Morrisette song? "That I Would Be Good". You're so worthy of being loved for who you are. Love at the center, let the rest fall away.

11:24 AM  
Blogger Little Miss Flossy said...

I've been reading this over and over, last night and this morning, marvelling at the power of your honesty and I'm sighing because I feel like a fraud... I don't really tell it how it is, I keep some of the real bits hidden away. Girly, you are a magician with words xxx

11:36 AM  
OpenID hippyhappyhay said...

Hmmmmm.
Should I email you?
Or make some completely inadequate comment?
Or pretend I didn't read?
Or...?
It's nice to be loved enough that there is expectation.
You constantly amaze me with you struggles, your eagerness to be more than you are, when in truth, you are perfect. You are Katie, and we all love you. xxxx.

4:30 PM  
Blogger Reluctant Blogger said...

One of those pieces where it actually feels a bit scary to write a comment because it is going to sound banal.

You say far more in those lines of poetry than I say in pages and pages of densely packed text. A mighty and I hope liberating gift you have there.

In any relationship, whatever the nature of it, there are just individuals. The other can not really reach into your soul, to know you like you know yourself, to feel what you feel or see. And yet we expect it, don't we?

Oh Kate! You are truly wonderful, you know.

11:58 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Oh, Katie! Sending lots of ((HUGS)) your way. You MUST know how wonderful you are, yes?

8:51 AM  
Anonymous BeachMama said...

Kate.
You are beautiful.
You are strong.
You are a blessing.
You make a difference.

12:06 PM  
Blogger Steve said...

Wow. My first visit to your blog and I'm absolutely bowled over. Wonderful poem. I really am impressed. Gorgeously expressed and you hold the tone so effortlessly. Consider yourself on my blog list!

6:22 PM  
Blogger Liesl said...

You are beautiful, strong, and wonderful, Kate. Anyone who fails to see that clearly is missing so much good in the world. (((HUGS)))

4:53 PM  

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