kate5kiwis: confessions (of a middle aged drama queen)


“If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony. We must discover the joy of each other, the joy of challenge, the joy of growth.” — Mitsugi Saotome

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

confessions (of a middle aged drama queen)

well, my admission is that during the first two weeks of last semester, in the middle of the night, i had an hysterical meltdown, and insisted between sobs to Bulldog that i could pull out of my studies and still get my money back. cos i was thinking that it is a huge waste of money to do a course and then fail miserably. but as the weeks progressed and i slid further down inside the rabbit hole, i found myself so glad that i'd started this year, reeducating katie.

funnily enough, i really really enjoyed two of my papers, and came out of my third with my nostrils above water and breathing freely. finally, a wonderful holiday month arrived - yay - i've nearly finished making my hippie quilt, i've read two books recommended to me by woozie, made loads of food to keep troops' tummies happy, reconnected with the worlds of blogland and facebook (and real life), had oooks of convos with danny, and lovely long snuggles with my babies, and i've even had the swine flu for the last week and a half.

and now it's groundhog day. back to the beginning. i find myself hyperventilating in the middle of lectures, as huge books of readings are dispersed, big fat words are bandied about, concepts which everyone else seems au fait with and i have had to come home with the videos (yep, videos) to catch up... and the world of relief teaching in 2010 is hugely appealing when compared to an interview interrogating my philosophies of education, literacy, numeracy, assessment, curriculum integration... it all seems so hard again... how on earth am i gonna relearn the "teaching" part of teaching when i've just let kids "be" for so many years? now i'm thinking i did my own kiddos a disservice by not "doing" literacy with them, cos we just focussed on "being" literate.....

i need a little perspective. or a slap. ('cept i don't believe in slaps.)

the good news is that i think i have nearly made peace with my butterfly lecturer. she is hilariously just like me. it turns out that she loves doing art with children, and so we did art in her curriculum & assessment lecture today - we drew the back view of the person in front of us - and i found myself instantly absorbed and completely forgetting the success criteria we'd just been given. and that's completely okay, she says, that's to be expected when you get an able student or someone who feels confident in their ability.
which was a far cry from my first art lesson, just last semester. and a far cry from her butterfly comment in my last paper with her. maybe there's hope for katie?

there are twelve weeks left of this semester, and a ton of work to be produced in that time. i wonder if the rabbit hole is big enough? and if the slippery slide will just shoot me off the bottom? perhaps it's just that overwhelmed first-two-weeks-feeling. i hope so. cos i don't fancy the impending hysterics.


Blogger Fabfeathers said...

Skatey katie, you were born to write my darling, born to bare your sole with such passion, born to be human just like the rest of us, afraid of our strengths, feeling cheated by our weaknesses. But the funny thing is, our weaknesses are sometimes our very strengths. Make a bit more room in your rabbit hole, you might just get some visitors.

8:59 PM  
Blogger Katepai said...

ahhh Katie, some people just have to go down that rabbit hole if not for themselves then for those of us who are just too damn scared...

Enjoy the ride!!!


10:18 PM  
Blogger Antipo Déesse said...

Keep up the good work Darlin'! You have ten times more energy and creativity than most people I know.

And 'Joyeux Bastille Day' too! You would have enjoyed all the fireworks and pretty sparkly things that flashed through the sky last night...

10:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just close your eyes and jump, kiddo! You'll know how to land. :)

1:25 AM  
Blogger Steve said...

Even when it gets bad... just remember it is so worth it. And if it feels that bad (sometimes) imagine what the pay off will be when you get there. Keep going, Kate - you're doing great.

6:55 AM  
Blogger Laura/CenterDownHome said...

What is that quote? "Do what you have to do, until you know that you need to know."

It's all about Alice these days, isn't it? The images alone will inspire you right through these classes.

Start by figuring out which characters your teachers are. ;D

1:27 PM  
Anonymous Reluctant Blogger said...

I'm sure that's the second time you've mentioned slaps recently. I think you are veering towards them.

I remember hitting the wall part way through my PhD and I had a massive wobble and thought I was rubbish and couldn't write and didn't know anything and it was all a waste of time. But I finished it and I am SO glad I did. Not because it was particularly useful but it is just so wonderful to take on something like that, struggle with it but succeed in the end. Oh boy does that make you feel good.

Now where do you want this slap?

4:28 AM  
Anonymous Jolie said...

Just found your blog (considering unschooling for our littles, returning to NZ after expatting overseas the last few years etc etc) and I adore your writing, style and fun family!! Gorgeous!!!
Hang in there...worst case scenario, spiked tea with the Mad Hatter...always made my rabbit hole a little less claustrophobic! :)

10:46 AM  
Blogger SoozNooz said...

Stretch stretch - there she goes - a butterfly -hmm well if you think about it actually quite apt. A butterfly emerging - I don't mind that idea - new life and all that. Kate you are doing this. It doesn't happen in one but blah - it evolves, you know this and you can do it !
I am so proud of you stretching yourself this way. xx

12:01 PM  
Blogger Liesl said...

Yes, you can do this, Katie. You have so much to contribute to the education world - a world, imho, that needs to learn to back off a bit and let children unfold as they are meant to, and not as they are told to. Of course your ideas are in conflict with what's being taught in your classes, but that's OK, because out of different ideas the best paths forward are planned. Hang in there - it'll be a crazy but worthwhile ride!

1:42 AM  

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