in the absence of my blogging muse (i'm too busy entertaining fabulous visitors) i'm posting this cos it made us all laugh until our tummies ached...
As the new year begins I want to thank you all for the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the past year. I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat sh*t in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft is sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split seven million pounds with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum. I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a s*x molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough s*x, always read their emails while holding the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.