“If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony. We must discover the joy of each other, the joy of challenge, the joy of growth.” — Mitsugi Saotome

Thursday, January 29, 2009

i clutch in my outstretched palm
these three remaining droplets of me
each about to be caught up
on his own gust of breeze
and sprinkled into the river

i remind myself that each is of me
yet is mine to release
on his own white water
journey towards the sea

i open my fingers
and begin to stretch forward
over the flowing ribbon
through raining tears
and simultaneous optimism
and joy for this wonderful drift
into ever increasing circles
outwards from the whirlpool
which has held each close until now

and i press down my apprehension
which threatens to drown
and tilt my face upwards towards the light
and i breathe.

and i nearly slap myself
because this agony is ridiculous
yet so real
and my words won't flow.
these children whom i adore
need space and light and love
and they will be getting it from someone else.
will they feel unloved?
and why do i have this idiot notion
that home ed mommies luff
their children more than schooly mommies?
how pathetic.
i am so mad at myself.
and spent.
spent pouring myself out
for all these years.
and frightened.
because i'm only half way.
and my skin looks like it's
at least three quarters way.
way way.
anchors aweigh,
away aweigh.


Blogger Sharonnz said...

Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous. (I think any path we choose for our kid's learning is fraught with constant guilt and worry amongst the benefits of each.)

4:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

beautifully expressed Kate! I am wetting my keyboard here.

5:21 PM  
Anonymous teeni said...

Aw, the love you have for your family is very obvious. You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself through poetry. It seems a lot of homeschoolers and unschoolers are adjusting to the children now going to school. What is up with that? A new trend or something?

6:25 PM  
Blogger Fabfeathers said...

We will have just finished our martinis darling and they will be home again. Full of stories and experiences, and you will be full of stories and experiences too. This is time for you to branch out sweetie!

7:17 PM  
Anonymous Sarah said...

Oh, soooo beautiful! My heart goes out to you and I'm sure, with your positive vibes, you'll all soon adjust and feel excited about your new ventures.

P.S. I love the music!

10:06 PM  
Anonymous sarah bean said...

awww, huggles babe.

10:08 PM  
Blogger oacemama said...

Thanks for the lovely afternoon and the smily faces and the blessing of seeing you and R walking arm in arm down the street together.
Beautiful poem...shall I send you some of my antiageing...slop it on tewice a day moisturiser?

11:44 PM  
Blogger Laura/CenterDownHome said...

Your focus is on their success and their freedom, and holding that vision of them -- as free, as whole, as learning about life -- empowers them, gives them confidence. Even if school has some wrong-headed moments, these will roll off their backs, because they see themslves as you see them -- as just fine.

Ducks float. Your little ducks'll be just fine. :)

I know that you're apprehensive, but I also know that you know that All is Well.

1:25 AM  
Blogger Steve said...

May have to keep a copy of this poem so I can refer to it as a guide... :-)

8:41 AM  
Blogger Cally said...

many hugs - what more can I say? You know all the answers without me saying the words, it's all about those feelings inside, not the reality outside. You know they'll be fine, and so will you. It's just all so scary isn't it, no matter what the head knows. xoxox

10:34 AM  
Anonymous Try-athlon Chick said...

All true Katie, especially the part where we want to slap ourselves because we think we should be bigger than this, braver than this, already have this nailed by now ... but you are right in saying "yet so real", because it is real. I think that's half our problem, we dont realise that so much of life is about this agonizing process of learning to let go and hope. How utterly vulnerable we are on this little blue dot!

So feeling connected to your season, and loving you in it. I feel a french moment in the secret garden coming on when kiddos are at s***** xx

11:45 AM  
Blogger Little Miss Flossy said...

You're beautiful. It's going to be a great adventure of a year.

8:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...nice Katiecutie, you made me cry this sunday morning!!!
Ok will pull myself together here and say, this is the most beautiful, heart wrenching words I've ever read.

My mama heart is holding yours. It will be ok, lovey. It will.

4:28 AM  
Blogger Motherbird said...

Wow. A few of my own are considering school next year so this really struck a chord with me. Wow.

5:32 PM  
Anonymous BeachMama said...

Beautiful Words Kate, just beautiful.

6:00 AM  

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