i clutch in my outstretched palm
these three remaining droplets of me
each about to be caught up
on his own gust of breeze
and sprinkled into the river

i remind myself that each is of me
yet is mine to release
on his own white water
journey towards the sea

i open my fingers
and begin to stretch forward
over the flowing ribbon
through raining tears
and simultaneous optimism
and joy for this wonderful drift
into ever increasing circles
outwards from the whirlpool
which has held each close until now

and i press down my apprehension
which threatens to drown
and tilt my face upwards towards the light
and i breathe.

and i nearly slap myself
because this agony is ridiculous
yet so real
and my words won't flow.
these children whom i adore
need space and light and love
and they will be getting it from someone else.
will they feel unloved?
and why do i have this idiot notion
that home ed mommies luff
their children more than schooly mommies?
how pathetic.
i am so mad at myself.
and spent.
spent pouring myself out
for all these years.
and frightened.
because i'm only half way.
and my skin looks like it's
at least three quarters way.
way
way way.
anchors aweigh,
away aweigh.